A reader asks for advice:
Looking for advice on what to do or not to do:
My husbands very close twin brother started dating and is now engaged with a novus ordo Catholic girl who has a very demanding job in medicine.
Since their courtship he has developed more left wing inclinations to suit her and her family (they openly mock people who vote right wing), so this time he cast a white ballot to effectively not upset anyone at all, even though one year ago he would have easily voted right as he did all his life. Needless to say she also made various excuses for CK’s murder, and my brother in law too (too provocative, hateful)..
He has also started to completely alter his life, livelihood, etc around the girl’s job, inclinations, preferences. He used to regularly post about how much homemakers are beloved, and wanted a traditional family, but now deleted his fb and all social media not to appear offensive. The novus ordo priests giving them advice don’t seem to really see any of this, and just encourage them going forward with the wedding.
I understand this as not my life, not my domain, but it obviously hurts my husband as they have been close all their life radically change his values. I wonder if there is a way to somehow make someone realize they are altering everything about themselves to fit in and going against values they used to possess.
I understand it’s hard to find a good woman these days and that can lead to a lot of concessions, but when it is a sacrament like marriage, I can’t help but think he could be making a mistake or not being forthcoming about what values he has.
I ultimately trust God, but if anyone has advice or has been in a similar position I’d love to hear it.
1. Marriage Is Not Just Personal—It’s Spiritual and Communal
Marriage isn’t a private emotional adventure. It’s a public, spiritual vocation. It’s a sacrament, not a lifestyle choice, and that means it’s not just about two people liking each other—it’s about two souls aligning their lives to glorify God through self-sacrifice, fruitfulness, and unity in truth.
So when a man starts shifting his political views, spiritual life, public convictions, and even deletes his past in order to “not offend” a woman and her family before the vows have even been exchanged—what do you think will happen after the wedding?
This isn’t a case of love inspiring a man to grow. This is appeasement, plain and simple. It’s a subtle kind of idolatry. He’s making her, and her approval, his god.
2. Your Instinct Is Right: This Is Not Healthy Submission, It’s Erosion
When a man changes his entire worldview, deletes his social convictions, and gives up speaking the truth in order to gain acceptance, that is not love—it’s a prelude to enslavement. He is building his house on sand.
And let’s not sugarcoat it—there’s a very real spiritual battle here. When a woman mocks your values, makes excuses for the murder of a faithful man like CK (I assume you’re referring to Fr. Chad King), and has no reverence for right-ordered masculinity, then you have a moral obligation to question whether this is a prudent match for marriage.
If this woman is already demanding total lifestyle surrender before marriage, what will happen when she has full legal and social leverage?
3. The Novus Ordo Factor
Now, I say this with due reverence for all valid sacraments, but the Novus Ordo culture often downplays sin, avoids confrontation, and embraces sentimentality over sound doctrine. Many priests today have been trained to avoid making “judgmental” statements, even when someone’s soul is in clear danger. If their priestly counsel amounts to, “Just follow your heart,” that is not pastoral care—it’s abandonment.
Do not be surprised if these priests bless this union with a smile, even if it’s being built on the bones of compromise and cowardice.
4. What Should You Do?
You’re right—it’s not your domain to intervene directly. But you are not powerless.
Here are the do’s and don’ts:
✅ Do Speak to Your Husband
Let him know that you see how deeply it pains him to watch his brother drift. Remind him of the strength of their bond, and encourage him to lovingly—but firmly—speak to his brother while there’s still time. Brother to brother.
“I love you. I respect your freedom. But I’ve seen you change in ways that don’t look like growth, they look like fear. I’m worried you’re giving up things that made you strong—and you may wake up one day wondering whose life you’re even living.”
That’s not judgment. That’s fraternal correction, which is a spiritual work of mercy.
❌ Don’t Nag or Gossip
You and your husband must not let this devolve into murmuring behind his back. Either you confront the issue in love, or you entrust it fully to prayer. Bitterness and mockery—even if justified—only poison the well.
✅ Do Pray and Fast for Him
Prayer isn’t a fallback option. It’s front-line combat. You and your husband should start praying specifically for clarity, courage, and conviction for his brother. A 9-day novena to St. Joseph or to St. Michael the Archangel would be fitting here. Fast from something you enjoy as an act of love and intercession.
✅ Do Watch How This Woman Treats Men
If she mocks conservative values, excuses violence against outspoken men, and demands her preferences dominate her fiancé’s life, she’s not seeking partnership—she’s seeking dominance. And her politics are likely not the problem—they’re the symptom of a deeper worldview where the man is not the head, but the pet.
5. If the Wedding Proceeds
If it goes forward, your role will be to support your husband in navigating the fallout that may come. Be a calm and respectful presence, and let your own marriage be a living witness of what a strong, traditional union looks like. The beauty of holy marriage preaches louder than a hundred arguments.
6. Final Words
You’re right: it is hard to find a good woman today. But that’s no excuse for a man to forget who he is. If you trade your integrity for intimacy, your conscience for comfort, or your faith for approval—you’ve already lost before the marriage even begins.
But remember: the story isn’t over. Even men who fall into error can wake up. But waking up usually takes pain—and some men don’t listen until the pain gets louder than the delusion.
So love him. Pray for him. Speak with honor and clarity. And then stand back and let God do what only He can do.
You’re doing the right thing by asking this. Now do the next right thing: pray, speak truth, and let your own family shine as a model of what holy order looks like.